he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
