Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize