Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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