My first STD was from a foam party
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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