You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
