My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
i was born a porn star she said
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
