I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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