You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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