do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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