i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
