Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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