Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
