I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
