sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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