you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
