pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Randomize
