She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
i love accidental penises.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
