Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Every concussion has its silver lining
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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