I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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