when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
