She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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