I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
