To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
