jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
