my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize