She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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