Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
