Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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