Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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