cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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