3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
