Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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