Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
