omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
