I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
