i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
