My girlfriend figured out who you are.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Randomize
