A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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