Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
