winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
