No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
