There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
