I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize