This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
