Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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