Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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