if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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