drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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