If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
