My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
