So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
