I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
