I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
