Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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