If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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