I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
