Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
