u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
