Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
