Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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