just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
