i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
